the end with J came quickly and sadly.

i went to see him early on freshman year. his friends were nice, lots of beer was had, and we continued on as if we were the same people we had been last year. but, when i got back to vermont, i knew i was done.

i was too much of a coward to actually break it off with him. we went home for thanksgiving and things were very strained. i suggested that we should take a break; J didn’t want to.

we went back to school, i called him to tell him i was done. he got in his car and drove 3 hours late at night to see me. he joined me for breakfast and we both knew each of us had moved on, and that our new school/friends made it right for us to break it off.

later that day, he tried to leave, but his car was broken down. i drove him halfway back, with a boom box and tapes to listen to along the way, where his friends retrieved him. that was the last time we were a couple

in the coming years, we re-connected well after college, and have come to peace with one another. i love having J somewhere in the background of my life. he reminds me of what a  great guy has to offer and how warm and compassionate he was in our foundling relationship moments.

as the summer wore on and we got closer to leaving, J and i spent less time together. it was hard for me since i had become accustomed to him being available 24/7 whenever i wanted to be with him he had been there.

but, the truth was (now that i can see it more clearly) that i was just as nervous about leaving home and my way of dealing with it was to blame him for pulling away, even though i was pushing him away at the same time.

we spent the summer going to movies, seeing friends and working at camps. when it came time to leave for college, we agreed that we would stay together and that long distance was not going to be a problem (our schools were about 3 hours apart).

in these times, with email, cell phones and Skype, we may have stood a chance. but at 17 in a world where payphones and mailed letters were our only mode of communication, there was a very unlikely chance that we’d make it.

college acceptance letters arrived and we were on our way to the end of senior year. end of year plays, summer jobs to be planned and the very important senior prom were upon us.

of course, we would go to the prom together. we had begun to have some problems. J was going to school in upstate NY, i was going in  vermont. he wanted to spend more time with his neighborhood boys before he left for college. his friends were older or not going to college at all, so it made perfect sense. of course, at 17, i couldn’t see it as ok, just as him choosing them over me.

when the prom arrived, we went in our limo with a bunch of friends. dancing, terrible food, and lots of fun that night. we went into manhattan to go dancing and then were heading to the beach for sunrise. J and i had some kind of fight at that point, which i can’t remember, but it ended prom night early.

the next day, after the entire senior class missed school and got chewed out by the director of the musical for not showing up for rehearsal, J showed up with yet another single red rose and an apology.

we were together through october of freshman year of college….read on.

i can’t recall exactly what day it was, but i remember it was a cool early spring day. J’s mom’s apartment was super tiny. his bedroom was created with a piece of pressboard run down the middle of the second bedroom, to create two small rooms for hm and his sister.

we came home from school and headed to his room. the best part was that we had been together long enough and had enough passion and warmth and teen-love for each other that our first time was scary but ok. to this day, i don’t think either one of us knew what to expect, even though we had both been through life science class, they don’t prepare you for everything.

after it was all said and done, J lent me some sweats, we laid together for awhile and then i had to go home. no one at home seemed to notice that i had had such a momentous afternoon, so i just went about my business. i never told my sisters anything about my dates and certainly wasn’t going to start now.

the bond from that first time is forever. though we eventually broke up (posts coming on that), J is always in my mind when i meet someone new and determine whether or not sex is in the cards wth this new guy. i am lucky that it was a good experience with a stand-up guy who is still in my life. i can’t imagine if it hadn’t been J.

the 17th birthday came and J took me to see “Cats” and out to dinner. apparently, i was very nervous since we had seriously been discussing sex, and so, i had a very upset stomach throughout the date.

but, the date was fun and there was no reason to be worried. as the weeks passed, the passion mounted.

eventually when we were having a fairly animated chat, i yelled at him about something stupid:

 ”f**k you”.

he laughed.

then i sad “no, i mean it, literally.”

that shut his trap.

i said yes (to the note, from the previous post).

it was all over the senior class that we got together, especially since we were perceived as oh-so-different. me, the sort of geeky alternative dance and drama girl; him the semi-tough guy who carried a bat in his car. but,as these things happen, we became a normal part of the HS couple scene, and crossed easily into each others’ world.  J and some of the baseball team joined the performing dance program at school, which meant we had plenty of time to spend together.

our first official date was at a chain mexican restaurant “chi chi’s”, where my brother happened to work. J paid, he worked at a local gas station, and had saved up to take me out. when he had asked me out, he went around the back of his car, opened the trunk and took out a single red rose. it was all so sweet and thoughtful. i was a bit overwhelemed by his attentions, but really, i loved it.

the months passed by, and of course, we talked about sex. i was very open about being a virgin and that i wasn’t quite sure about when or if i wanted to (which, 23 years later, i still feel the same hesitation when faced with the to do IT or not to do IT question). he finally admitted to me that he, too, was a virgin, though his friends thought otherwise.

my 17th birthday was coming up and it would be special.

sitting in english class, surrounded by the tall hair and long manicured nails of my queens brethren (i, of course, was the alternative-type, so, much flatter hair for me and no manicures, either), i realized one of the girls i barely knew was passing me a note.

it said “J likes you. Do you like him?”

J was a cute boy, but very different from the brainiacs i had dated up to this point. he was a weightlifter, loved arnold schwarzenegger (just like me) and billy idol. mostly, he hung out with the baseball team.

in that moment, when i got the note, everything changed. the butterflies started, and i saw possibilities with J. these feelings persist even today, whenever i meet someone new , i feel like i’ve been passed a note full of possibilties.

summer college prep program at the same small liberal arts college my sister was attending. in another attempt to prepare myself for the inevitable drive up to college in a year’s time, i decided to spend 4 weeks at the college i hoped to attend.

when i got there, though it was familiar territory to me from visiting my sister, it was now my place, and my parents were driving off around the cul-de-sac, leaving me. sadness. but, when i found my room, i discovered that i’d been given a single. it was the first time i ever had my own room. a little unnerving, not having someone to talk to, having to get myself together (and a very similar feeling came over me when i found myself getting an apartment after my divorce).

i met many wonderful people that summer, the best of whom is A. late one night in the laundry room, a nice boy came in and started chatting with me (that was A). there was an immediate attraction, larger than the others i’d felt. we started spending all of our free time together.

there was much hand holding, and for the first time, a good deal of real kissing. A was very mature for his age, self-assured, confident. i was still working out that i was a girl, with a sex drive and had trouble reconciling the romance (which A was very good at) with my newly-found sexuality.

i was there to dance, he was there to write. he encouraged me, supported me when i sang during an open mic night. helped me get my application together and listened to my fears about going too far with him, completely understanding my conflict of how nice things felt, but that i just wasn’t ready.

not once was there any pressure, just a lovely constant man (and i do use that intentionally here, though we were only 16) who got me.

i had never felt like this before. i was alone, not even a roommate to talk to (though my ladies gave me an ear). it was interesting to feel so together with someone, while trying to learn to be on my own. no one had ever told me how to date. or, to be clear, i decided not to open up to my siblings, either because i needed them to think i was as grown-up as them, or just out of plain fear of them laughing at me.

one of my major hangups, though, was acceptance. i was fairly shy, though i came off as outgoing. my shyness showed itself with A whenever we were in public. i was not totally comfortable being in a couple, having never really done it. but, A persisted and even wanted to go on a special last night walk with me, which i declined.

we continued our romance via mail, mixed tapes, phone calls and care packages. but, as time drew on, i became less intrigued by waiting until the summer to see each other again, or the remote possibility that we would end up going to college together. and, so, on a bus ride home, i wrote A a postcard, which i fully regret to this day. i didn’t even have the courtesy to call him and break it off, i did it via mail, and worse yet, postcard.

i was a coward.

that is the word i will use now, looking back at how A treated me, and how i reacted. by declining his request for that walk, by feeling self-conscious every time we held hands, by sending him a postcard to break it of, i was nothing if not a coward.

i got into that small liberal arts college in vermont, and accepted my spot. A and i hadn’t had contact for quite awhile when a mutual friend told me, he, too, got in, but opted out because he couldn’t bear to be there with me. really? i felt terrible.

and so, in late 1988, we reconnected. we spent hours on the phone, he in ohio, me in ny. many letters passed hands. but, we never did date again.

i went to visit him in new england, spent some time in 1991 together. we stayed in touch through my wedding in 1997 (which he attended),  and while i was pregnant in 1998 (when we met up in boston for dinner). and then, we lost the thread.

often, i would look online for A, but to no avail. once or twice, i had found some reference to him, but couldn’t find contact info. since i had changed my name when i married, he had difficulty finding me.

fast-forward to 2009, when, a mutual acquaintaince, JH (former college across-the-hall neighbor, post-marriage relationship, more on him later), told me that A was looking for me. i had no idea that they knew each other, but as we talked i realized they ran in the same literary circles, had both attended that little college in some way,and though they are the only two people i know personally who write what they write, it still surprised me.

and so, in 2009 i sent A an email after he asked JH for my info. it was fantastic to get in touch, especially now, when we are older and wiser. just this evening, i have come to realize how much A gave me (based on another post-divorce relationship with EA, again, more on him later). he allowed me to be just me, not the youngest sister, not someone who needed to impress people, not the girl with the smart mouth (though he loved that). no, all he wanted was to see me for me.

this was also evident in 1991 when we met up in new england. he met one of my girl friends and commented on how i was potentially selling myself short, since essentially he felt i was acting like i wasn’t as smart as i am. all these years later, i hear him telling me that, and it still impresses upon me the amount of maturity and insight A had (and still does).

it is refreshing to write this one out, since A has been such an important part of my life, and will be forever. and, i really do see some amazing parallels to my current ability to find perspective in the dating situations i have been through.

the track listing of that mixed tape is imprinted on my memory (ok, maybe just a few of the songs). every time i hear one of those songs, it takes me back to A and reminds me of who he knows i am and i’m able to move a little bit further ahead.

i am a junior in high school. friends with some seniors. though i mostly spent my time dancing and onstage, i also did love to work the lights, etc, and so became and honorary member of the AV crew. since i was a girl, i was not given keys (sucks, right?), but was allowed all access.

GP was a senior. he was on the AV crew, and he did indeed have keys. we became friends, and he eventually asked me to go to the senior prom with him. his best friend was dating one of my good friends, so i think that’s how it all came about. i said yes.

we had a few minor dates, some meet-ups after school, but i never really thought much of it. i guess we weren’t really dating, but i wonder now if he thought we were….

much ado was made at home. he came to pick me up and his mom came along to take pictures.

we went to prom (there is even a facebook photo to prove it). we went out afterward. then, as i should have been prepared for, he wanted more. i said no, he understood and took me home, disappointed.

he left for college.

next contact, 2009, facebook friends.

just another weird incident. have i already mentioned that i was somewhat naiive when it came to boys (and yes, even though this one was in college, still refer to him as a boy, please)? i was raised very much with a romantic view of romance (you know, fred astaire style movies), so when the real truth was revealed to me that 90% of boys really did only want to get in your pants, it came as a shock.

here’s the scene: small liberal arts college in vermont, visitng my sister. they had a yearly party where everyone went in their underwear, or less. i was game, again, the silly girl i was didn’t really think much about attending a party wearing not much more than a cami and tap pants with men who could be considered adults (see above).

we show up with my sister’s roommate and her boyfriend JF comes over. they dance, drink, enjoy the party. my sister and her roommate disappear at some point and JF finds me. we dance to “burning down the house”. i recall being a little drunk (at 5’2″ at 90 pounds, it didn’t take much). next thing i realize, he’s trying to kiss me. i got out of there.

flash forward to the roommate crying, my sister explaining that i had nothing to do with it and that JF was a jackass. all three of us on one futon discussing it when JF comes into the room. he is promptly shown the door by the roommate.

lesson learned: your lady friends have your back, watch out for the tall, dark and handsome boyfriend of any of them.